PickleTalk now available for pre-order!

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Pickle Talk: The first four years…

by Gracie S.  Perkins

The wit and wisdom of Gracie “The Pickle” Perkins

Pickle: “Daddy, say “Ahhh”
Me: “Ahhh”
Pickle: (peering in my mouth) “Wow, daddy. There’s a lot of room in there!”

Pickle: “Daddy, I need to listen to my heart.”
Me: “And what is your heart telling you?”
Pickle: “That I need peanut butter toast.”

Me: “Do not thwart me!”
Pickle: “But Daddy, I like to thwart you!”
Me: “Thwart means to cause trouble.”
Pickle: “Yeah, I know.”
Punk.

Gracie: “Daddy…”
Me: “Yes, Pickle?”
Gracie: “I wanna be a princess!”
Me: “Okay.”
Gracie: “Yeah. I wanna kiss a frog or somethin’…”
Me: “Ooookay…”

We are now taking pre-orders for the soon-to-be-released, “PickleTalk: The First Four Years”.

At this date, Pre-Orders are the ONLY orders that I can guarantee will arrive in time for Christmas. You can place your order at the following link, and you DO NOT have to have a PayPal account to use this secure system.

Thanks all…you’re going to love it!

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=SVTMB6VYGXSCY

-Gracie’s Daddy

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God’s Diet Plan

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God’s Diet Plan…

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. Anm McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And man gained pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And man gained pounds.

And God said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to get up to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” So God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery…..

And Satan created HMOs.

Safety tips for enjoying Halloween this year

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zombie01

I’m sure that you’ve seen these rules before and really, they’re just common sense. But since we’re coming up to that time of the year, I think it’s wise to review them. Something about this time of year can play havoc with otherwise sensible people.

Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween:

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

6. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just run!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around!

12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing. And even if you’re sure you know what you’re doing, just don’t fool with it!

13. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

-Gracie’s Daddy

PS – Sorry, I couldn’t help myself…

Parenting is…

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Parenting is being 3 miles into a 5-mile loop and realizing that the kid is now only wearing one shoe and one sock…

P1010073

Wassat?

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BlueEyes1

An ode to Gracie’s favorite word…

Wassat?

Wassat? It’s the sunshine.
Wassat? It’s a drawer.
Wassat? It’s your Mommy.
Wassat? It’s a door.

Wassat? It’s your Daddy
Wassat? It’s a bear.
Wassat? It’s a bottle.
Wassat? It’s your chair.

Wassat? It’s your oatmeal.
Wassat? It’s your toast.
Wassat? It’s my coffee.
Wassat? It’s MY toast.

Wassat? It’s a washcloth
Wassat? It’s a show.
Wassat? It’s my laptop,
(And yes, that’s a no.)

Wassat? It’s your barnyard.
Wassat? It’s a cow.
Wassat? It’s your sandals,
well, one…anyhow.

Wassat? It’s the sidewalk
Wassat? It’s a tree.
Wassat? It’s a puppy.
Wassat? It’s my knee.

Wassat? It’s a bagel.
Wassat? It’s your head.
Wassat? It’s your peaches, don’t fling them, I said!

Wassat? It’s your naptime.
Wassat? It’s my grin.
Three quiet hours ‘till Wassat time again.

– Gracie’s Daddy

I cdnuolt blveiee waht I was rdanieg!

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I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

 -Gcraeis Ddady

WE DID NOT GET A NAP TODAY

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We did not get a nap today,

I’m not quite sure what else to say.

 

The sink is full, the floor’s a fright,

we ran from dawn, ‘til dark of night.

 

The laundry’s piled, no work got done,

she threw up twice (once, just for fun!)

 

My eyes are red, my feet complain,

my cell-phone clogs the toilet drain.

 

There’s marinara on the walls,

and Legos up and down the halls.

 

A banana’s stuck in the VCR,

and ketchup spread about the car.

 

The ceiling fan is on the floor,

your mother called (need I say more?)

 

The cat is bald, the goldfish dead,

the dog is hidden ‘neath the bed.

 

For tomorrow I can only pray,

‘cause we did not get a nap today!

 

-Gracie’s Daddy

 

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